What Women Want, Hogzilla, Keychains, and Cell Phones

It is basketball season, and I haven't really written much about sports in a long time.  I think it may be because for some weird reason, most of my readers are females. I'm not complaining.  Growing up with two sisters and since I'm a momma's boy, I do relate to females and understand what they are thinking, or so I believe.  I've always liked "What Women Want" with pre-insane Mel Gibson. It is one of my favorite non-Matt McConaughey romantic comedies ever.  He was able to hear what every woman was saying.  It's a ridiculous romantic comedy from the 90's (I wish things were still like they were in the 90's on a side note. The world sucks now). 

Anyway, wouldn't it be crazy to hear what the opposite sex were thinking?  Well ladies, you probably wouldn't want to, because tapping into a man's brain would be like, "Sex. Sports. Food. Repeat."    But men, wouldn't it be cool?  That is if any man is reading this.  We will get to basketball in a second so hang in there.  My one beef with the movie is why would Mel's character (I'm terrible with character names so I will refer to them by the actor's names) choose Helen Hunt over Marisa Tomei?  Sure one works at a coffee shop while the other is a big shot at his company, but let's review here: 

                                Mel and Helen from the movie            Mel and Marisa from the movie

1. Marisa is way hotter than Helen. 
2. Marisa doesn't work with Mel so he can get a break from time to time.  
3. George Castanza blew it with Marisa on Seinfeld (I know this has nothing to do with proving my point but I did love that episode).
4. Marisa seems more fun and more willing to have a good time.
5. Helen is too uptight.

I get why he chose her though, because it was in the script.  And he was going for what he can't have which is attractive to most people (don't push the red button syndrome). Anyway, I'm getting way off track.  I planned on writing about basketball.  Everyone knows I grew up a fan of the Kentucky Wildcats college basketball team and I am a homer.  I follow all of their careers in the NBA.  My favorite NBA players are probably all Wildcats but I do like other players too.  I have decided to list my top five NBA non-UK players of all time.  It would be easy to put you know, Michael Jordan, Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, or Larry Bird.  But I like the under appreciated guys:

5. Karl Malone.  He's probably the best overall player on this list.  The guy was tough.  He was called the Mail Man, because he always delivered.  The guy lead his team to the finals a few times, but never won it all.  He is on my list because a friend of mine knew him and Karl actually got one of his finals teams to autograph a pennant for me. He also wrestled.

4. Dennis Rodman. He may be the greatest rebounder of all time.  They called him The Worm.  He has lived a crazy life but dude was as bad as he wanted to be.  He did whatever he wanted and didn't care what anyone else thought of him.  He won some titles.  He played with the Bad Boys in Detroit and with Michael in Chicago on the greatest team of all time.  He dyed his hair often which made him stand out.

3. Shquille O'Neal. Now how can you not love this guy?  He's a walking one liner.  His jokes are almost as funny as mine.  They called him The Diesel, which helped me develop the name, Pat Diesel for my cousin.  He was also a beast of a player.  He won multiple championships.  He also starred in Kazaam, where he played a 7 foot genie, and had a video game called Shaq-Fu.

2. Dikembe Mutumbo.  This dude was a block machine and he knew it.  The guy would wave his finger after blocking a shot and rubbed it in the face of whoever he blocked.  He is now in one of the funniest Geico commercials I have ever seen.  I just can't help but laugh when I saw him play or heard him talk.

1. Rasheed Wallace.  I never could figure out why he had that random bald spot.  He has a title and possible record for most technical fouls.  The dude was a badass and enforcer who could hit threes.  I remember his early days in Portland when he and Arvydas Sabonis would chuck up threes from all over the place.  I also loved when he played alongside my boy Tayshaun in Detroit.

Winner of the Day: Madeira High School. They busted ten high school girls for sexting.  One of them is as young as 14.  Back when I was 14, we all didn't all have cell phones.  The chunky Nokias weren't invented yet.  It almost got me involved in a fight one time.  Robert, my friend, was telling me this story walking home one day.  He was telling me about this weird guy was walking behind him while he headed to school.  The man asked Rob if he had a cell phone in his hand.  It of course wasn't a cell phone.  It was a key chain.  How the man got a key-chain and cell phone mixed up I have no idea, but this was back in the day so I guess it's plausible.  Rob was telling me this story after school and the dude  came from an opposite street, and said, "Hey dude. That was me."  I immediately ran.  I told I was going to go call the cops.  The man got up in Rob's face.  He didn't back down.  Some how Rob talked himself out of a beatdown.  Read about the Madeira students here.

Loser of the Day: Fox Chase Apartments.  This is the apartment complex right next to my condo complex.  A suspicious death happened there last night and now I fear for my life. Read the Story Here.

Quote of the Day: "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." -Gloria Steinem

Song of the Day: "Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle

Hogzilla of the Day:

Oscar Pistorius, Carnival Cruise, and murdering cops, + Ray Charles on top of all that.

I read the audience of my page today.  Apparently 20 times my page has been viewed by South Africans.  I don't really understand it.  I never really write about anything that appeals to them like apartheid,  Nelson Mandela, vuvuzelas or Bafana Bafana (which simply means the boys, the boys) and the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

And of course I've never written about Oscar Pistorius.  I never liked him.  I was in the minority about him when he was granted eligibility in this year's Summer Olympics.It was not fair for him to race against able bodies and people with all of their legs.  Now that sounds harsh, but Pistorius has no legs which means no leg muscles.  The guy can't cramp or get sore or tired without legs.  I know this seems like I have a lack of sympathy for him.  I do.  But his legs were just unfair to other athletes who can get injured.  Pistorius is now charged with murdering his girlfriend who is a super model in South Africa.  I think those two being together in South Africa is like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the states, except with two legs instead of four and the  size of the lips are undoubtedly smaller. 

Pistorius and his girlfriend Reeva Sneencamp

The case has gotten crazy as the lead investigator ended up being charged with attempted murder himself.  I also find it disgusting that Pistorius blamed his legs for being the reason he shot his girlfriend through the door.  He claimed to be vulnerable with his legs, panicked when he thought an intruder entered his home and fired bullets into his locked bathroom.  He claims there was no struggle, but why was the door locked?  No one locks the door if they go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, especially if the only one there is your boyfriend.  I'm through with this subject.  I thought I would just talk a little South Africa for my fans over in that country.  Now South Africa is not the foreign country which views my blog the most.  The Russians love  me.  They for some reason have viewed my page 267 times.  Maybe it's because I'm such a pale skinned person, I look as though I am one of them.  I don't know.  

Enough about other countries; we are in the land of the free and the home of the brave, 'Murica.  America the Beautiful.  While Pistorius was over in South Africa slaying his woman, there was a cruise ship with over 4,200  passengers and crew floating with no power or electricity whatsoever.  There were terrible conditions as passengers started using there showers to relieve themselves with no water and the boat was moving at one mile an hour.  I'm not sure how that equates in knots (ship speed measurement) but I do know most people walk faster than a mile an hour.  It took the Carnival Cruise Ship days to get back to shore.  My first question was, this is 2013, why the hell can't they just move the people on to another ship?  It made no sense to me.  I heard the bus taking them to where they needed to be also broke down.  Talk about a bad week. That's worse than living a day in Lindsay Lohan's shoes.  I can't commit to going a week in her shoes.  That may be worse. Read About It here.  

While that ship was lost at sea, Christopher Dorner murdered two cops, a cop's daughter and fiance.  He wrote a manifesto on facebook, saying he would bring warfare down on the LAPD.  There are a lot of conspiracy thories about why he did it.  I believe he was probably bullied by the cops to do something unethical and he didn't want to do and the dude went nuts because he saw no way out.  Desperate men do desperate things. The man supposedly killed himself in a cabin after a long manhunt.  I don't know why he got Whitney Houston status for killing four people, but for some reason people ate up this story.  

Winner of the Day: #JoeyVotto.  Why did I put the hash tag on there?  Well on Twitter if you add #JoeyVotto to any of your tweets, it counts as a vote for Votto to win the face of the MLB contest on MLB Network.  So please go VOTE-O this week.

Loser of the Day: Ryan Braun.  This guy is a complete turd.  He beat the system last year on a technicality and now he's brought up with steroids again.  The guy is a liar and it's obvious you cheated.  Just come clean.  We aren't naive anymore.

Quote of the Day:Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something" - Proverb 

Song of the Day: "America the Beautiful" by Ray Charles

Thought of the Day:  If Stevie Wonder in his prime were to fight Ray Charles in his prime, I believe Ray Charles would win.  I only base that on his agressiveness from the movie.  He would be really agressive in several scenes and he could also take down Stevie with the dreads if it came down to it.

Oscar Review: Bennifer, Halle and the Heatmiser, Bill the Butcher, and Jennifer Lawrence

So I watched the Academy Awards last night.  My friend Rob had this party at his newly built house and we got some pizza, made some chili cheese dip, and watched them with a few friends of mine.  The only movie I had seen up to the Oscar's that was up for anything was Django Unchained, which I of course loved. 

I am a Quentin Tarantino die hard.  Pulp Fiction is my favorite movie of all time.  The way Tarantino develops his characters is a work of art.  Having written a few screenplays in my day, I know how difficult of a task character development is.  Django was a serious subject, inspired by Spaghetti Westerns, and had a dash of quirky comedy and violence that Tarantino is known for.  The first award given out on the night was to Christolph Waltz.  He has been nominated twice for two different roles in Tarantino movies and won both times he has been nominated.  Waltz does steal every scene he is in, as he did in Inglorious Basterds.  He does look quite odd without a beard.

Seth McFarlane hosted the show, which obviously they tried to gear the show towards a younger audience.  The Academy had tried this once before with James Franco and Anne Hathaway a few years ago which was an absolute disaster.  It is already a hard enough show to get through, and add to it terrible hosts. That's a no win situation. 

McFarlane was the best host I've seen in a while.  He actually got me to laugh a few times, which let's be honest, no one laughed last year at Billy Crystal except about how much larger his head has gotten as the years have gone by.  The intro last night went on way too long.  The William Shatner sketch was funny and unexpected, but I could have gone without the dancing skit with Harry Potter and Joseph Gordon Levett.  The best part of McFarlane's hosting was the Boob Song which you can see below.

The show did drag for too long, which the Oscar's seem to do every year.  I wish they could cut out a lot of those costume design and technical awards and give those out pre show like the Grammy's do with pointless awards but The Academy insists on them being part of the show.  The tribute to the Bond Films was kind of boring and went on far too long as well.  I think they just wanted an excuse to put Halle Berry on stage.  She is nice to look at even with that Heatmiser/Don King hair she had last night.  I almost ruined the longest relationship I've ever had early on when I met my ex girlfriend, and later on she text me and asked me what I thought of her.  I said, "You're no Halle Berry," and of course that hurt her feelings and it took us about a month to see each other again, but it did last three years so I some how won her over.  I think it is my wittiness  sexiness, and of course uncanny charm.

 

                             Don King                                                Heatmiser                               Halle Berry 2013 Oscar's

                                                                  Me this past Halloween

The biggest surprise of the night for me was Jennifer Lawrence winning best actress.  I have yet to see Silver Linings playbook.  It's on my list to see along with Argo, Flight, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Les Miserables, Zero Dark Thirty and Lincoln. I did see her in The Hunger Games and she did alright in that.  I can't judge her and say it was a complete surprise she won but I wasn't expecting it.  She did trip and fall on her way up to accept the award which was humiliating but she made light of it when she accepted.  If only she was as good at walking up steps as she is at archery.  

Argo won best picture.  I guess I should've said SPOILER ALERT, but if you are reading a review you have to expect this.  I assumed it was going to win since it cleaned up the J.V. awards.  Ben Affleck has come a long way.  He started on a high with Good Will Hunting and winning an original screenplay Oscar then he starred in movies like Gigli and Armageddon.  He co-starred along side his teeth in Armageddon.  He definitely got them whitened or something before he starred in that movie. He dated J-Lo and became Bennifer.  He dated J-Lo right after Puffy did.  Does she have a random taste in men or what?  You can't get much different than those two.  He is now on top of the world though, directing Gone Baby Gone, The Town , and now best picture winner, Argo.  I plan on buying Argo soon as I plan to own every best picture winner since my birth year of 1985.  Argo looks very good from the previews and everyone says it is really good.  Ben deserved a best director nomination but for some reason didn't get the nod.  It makes no sense to direct the best picture but not get nominated for best director.  It seems silly.

Daniel Day Lewis won best lead actor which he looks like Abe Lincoln in the movie and that's all Jamie Foxx needed to win for Ray so that sounds about right.  It's his third time winning for best male lead so he's turning into the male Meryl Streep.  He is a great actor though so he deserves it.  He really deserves four because I don't know how he didn't win for his portrayal of Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York, one of the greatest characters of all time.

                                                         Daniel Day Lewis as Bill the Butcher

Overall grade for the Oscar's?  C+.  I'm not going to give it above a C until they don't make me stay up until midnight on a work night.  The host was better but not all the way there yet.  He's like a G rated version of Ricky Gervace.  None of the speeches really had a 'moment.'