Relationship Advice Column Edition 8: Best Friends

Today is relationship advice day, so here is some real life advice I was asked to give...


From the Reader: 

• My best friend Javier and I have had some issues in the past with me liking him and him liking me when the other didn't have the same feelings. I think we both got caught up in thinking that it's perfect for best friends, like we are meant to fall in love.
• Well in the past year he and I have gotten much closer, like he is seriously the best guy friend I've ever had. We just grew up a lot together. But the biggest thing that makes him so important to me is that "he saw me when no one else did"
• I've changed a lot physically, lost a ton of weight and stuff...suddenly guys look at me differently, which is flattering but also ticks me off because only my exterior changed, my personality is about the same.
• He was my best friend all along, he liked me when I weighed 40 pounds more and he likes me the same now. He looks at me the same way he did before, which means a lot to me. He was a true friend all along, liking me for me.
  Anyway, now that you've got our history...the problem is that since the summer everyone has kinda been hinting that he and I are perfect together, we should give it another shot, bla bla bla. But I'm 100% comfortable with where we are, I picture him coming over to my house 10 years from now and my kids calling him "Uncle Javy" not Dada!
• He and I can talk about anything, so I brought it up. 
• He was understanding and agreed he and I are just 
• friends. But then his cousin tells me that I'm all 
• he talks about and that he sees a future for us, 
• he just needs to give me time.  After hearing this, I 
• had to make my intentions clear again. So we 
• talked again, this time he was short with me, 
• seemed irritated. I was very sensitive to his 
• feelings, and just kinda stated that I didn't want 
• to lead him on.  The thing is, he is the first one that 
• I talk to in the morning and the last one at night. I have 
• like 5 different (lengthy) conversations with him each day. 
• He ended our "talk" with "well maybe we shouldn't talk 
• so much anymore, goodnight"...
• Then we didn't speak for almost 2 days. I couldn't stop thinking about him the entire time. Kept waiting for him to call or text me, wondering if i hurt him or if we just needed space...I realized I am waaaay dependent on him. It was like we had broken up. We've resolved things...kinda. But I'm struggling with understanding my heart. Did my heart hurt because I thought I lost my best friend? Or because I was scared to lose more than just a "friend"?
  
  
  My Advice:
  My first question is if either of them got a girlfriend or boyfriend would things begin to change?  I'd have to believe that is the case in this situation.  You never really know but if you get a significant other, that cuts into your friends' time male or female.  The issue with this case is this...they once were attracted to each other in that way and chose to bury the feelings.  The reader states that when they get in arguments, it almost feels like a breakup.  It sounds to me that Javier was hoping for a relationship all along and hid his feelings and allowed a friendship to blossom which it did.  She can't force the feelings though.  If they aren't present you can't date Javier just because he gave you an ultimatum.  After the final talk, their friendship is definitely tested, probably more so than ever before.  Javier seems to have fallen for the reader but she obviously sees him as a friend.  He did see her when no one else did, but that isn't reason enough to date someone.  In order to date someone, your entire heart has to be into it.  You can't go 98% of the way.  You have to give your all and be willing to give your entire heart to the person.  You can't have any doubts.  O-Town said it best, "Is it all or nothing at all?"  Dating a best friend is tricky.  It's doable and a lot of successful relationships bloom out of friendships, but both parties have to be willing to commit and jeopardize a long friendship.  If things get shaky after and they break up, who is the reader going to go to about it?  Because Javier would normally be that person.  Their friendship may end up healing after some time and should with as close as they are, but it depends on the circumstances of the breakup.  There is a chance, they'd never break up, and with as important he is to her this would be a strong possibility.  He seems to have planned out a future with this girl but the girl cannot date someone she sees as an uncle.  That has to go away before any of this happens.  There is also the case of jealousy if they remain best friends like I mentioned in the open.  Can one friend absolutely accept and fairly judge the other's significant other?  Javier may have a lot of trouble if it came to that, but as a true friend I think he could, but it would be really hard to give a fair shake to any guy the reader dates.  And to answer her question about her heart? That is something only she can answer...from all the evidence it seems like she missed her best friend.  Her friend said something hurtful and male or female it stings.  She had to be honest with him upfront so he didn't get the wrong idea.  It's only fair to him.  It will hurt him here in the short term but in the long run, I could see the friendship mending unless he was mascarading as a friend the whole time to be with which I don't believe is the case.  Her heart would be hurt either way, but I could also see her realizing at any moment, like a Eureka kind of moment, "Wow, I really am into him." I've seen that happen in relationships before and it just comes out of nowhere.  If that happens I'd hope he'd be willing to give it another shot.  Life's about taking chances, however.  She has to make a decision, keep things the way they are, or give it a shot.  Yeah she can grow to like him, but it's not fair to him if she dates him and nothing grows out of it and she stays in it because they are such good friends.  My advice would be to at least hold off until your heart is all the way in it.  It's not fair to either party if you don't.  And if you feel the don't know what you got 'til it's gone feelings, then revisit where your friendship/relationship is at that point and re evaluate.  The reader's heart doesn't seem into it yet.  She could get there but right now if she dated him, it would be because of his feelings and not her own.  She has to respect herself enough to hold back.

• Quote of the Day: "Attraction is not a choice."-David DeAngelo
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• Song of the Day: Got Whatever it Is by the Zac Brown Band

Dating Cartoon of the Day:

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Heaven landed a Hell of a Man Last Night

I first moved into my current house in 8th grade.  Next door was this house with a couple of beat up old trucks, and a bearded man.  This guy looked like one of those axe murderers out of a horror movie.  He was quiet but always outside.  As a youngster, I'd be scared to go into his yard because he seemed like a don't come in my yard type of dude.  It was kind of like Home Alone though.  You have to lose the intimidation factor and just talk to the guy.  He ended up being a really cool guy.  I went on several fishing trips with the man, and began to get to know him.  The first one was with my friend Robert.  We stayed up all night, and he wasn't lying when he said he'd be ready at 5.  Usually people say a time early in the morning but it always ends up being an hour later.  He was in the front of his house in a rusty Bronco with a tent on the side.  Complete redneck style...he had dogs humping each other in silver on the sides of it which was quite humorous.  He made us eat at Hardee's and would never eat anywhere else.  He then took us to this place called the 'hole in the wall' down on the river and all he did was make fun of us for the way we fished.  Robert and I were definitely not experts like he was.  Robert finally reeled in something.  Ron came up to net it and it ended up being a boot.  I swear it kept a smile on his face for a week, on how ridiculous he thought that was.  My dad ended up becoming best friends with him.  My dad saw him as a fatherly figure.  The guy would drink hooch regularly and he had nicknames for anyone that moved.  He didn't believe in cursing in front of women and he always put Ms. in front of their names.  He had a mouth like a sailor though; don't let it fool you.  He enjoyed horseshoes, darts, cornhole, fishing, and basically anything else manly.  He always had wing nights on Tuesdays and participated in Thirsty Thursdays.  And by golly the man could fix anything.  One of the last things he did with me was laugh at me for running out of gas, but that's how he was.  He'd pick on you.  Sometimes it was teasing and sometimes it wasn't. He's fixed so many projects around the house and it was funny because he'd stare at an item for like an hour before he'd decide the exact place for it to go or what to do with it.  My dad and him did everything from the laundry chute in the bathroom to refinishing that table outside on my back deck.  And he was as stubborn as they came.  The doctors told him there was a problem with his heart a few years ago and said if he didn't stop smoking like a chimney and drinking hooch daily that he would die within a year.  Well they were wrong.  He stayed true to himself, and went out doing what he enjoyed 3 years after.  He hated wearing shirts, and I'm guessing he'd wear nothing if the law allowed it.  He always had the coolest facial hair and he does have the coolest grandson.  He made these baked beans called f*cked up beans that are the best tasting thing I've ever had as a side dish.  He never revealed his secret ingredients, and frankly we never wanted to know.  He was the protector of our street.  If people were suspicious, he'd scare them off.  He's kicked my own friends out of our pool because he didn't think they had permission.  There are so many great stories and things about him I'm missing in this blog so it won't do him justice, but I wouldn't be the man I am today if it weren't for him.  He had a I don't care what you think of me attitude, and he lived by it.  If Jesus has a swimming pool up in Heaven, he has someone to make sure no one's going to get in there why he's out performing miracles.  My neighbor is up there leaning against some beat up Ford Bronco, with his shirt off, blowing smoke into the air reunited with his son, Russell who he lost too soon.  They are chatting about man things, and waiting for the rest of their buddies and family to throw a wing night.  Heaven landed one hell of a man last night.  Rest in peace Ron Losey.

Ron Losey

   

News is Stupid, More on Andre Davis, What I'm thankful for, and a snake through a nose

You know what is annoying about the news?  They blow everything way out of proportion.  Like remember the swine flu?  They were saying that 50% of the country would contract it and it could be devastating to the human race...a couple months later, you don't hear anything about it.  Some other story captivates and everyone just moves on.  Take the weather for instance.  If there is going to be rain, the meteorologists make it out to be the storm of the century.  A little snow, they want all of the roads to be closed and conditions are undriveable. 


The news covers kids getting too fat in school, and the latest murder in the ghetto... Life isn't all that bad guys.  Walk outside.  A bolder isn't going to immediately fall on you.  The news teases you to scare you and makes you want to come back for more....or else they wouldn't wait to bring you the latest headlines right after the commercial break.  It's sad really.  We live in a world where entertainment news is more important than hard news.  Where Tom Cruise dined yesterday is more important to people than who is going to run this country in 2012.  Barak Obama crossed over into popular culture which helped propel him to get elected in my opinion.  Anyway, the news is pointless to watch and take seriously.  The only day the news was pure in my lifetime was 9-11.  No commercials. No leads.  It was just people covering what we needed to know and see.  Thank God for Ron Burgandy.

I say this in wake of the Andre Davis case.  He's the guy in trouble for not disclosing he had HIV to a bunch of chicks.  I have learned that a few of my friends know him personally.  Not like that, but they know him.  I learned that what he did is being blown way out of proportion by the media, and he is a really nice person.  He was a wrestler and quit to protect people from the disease. He always used a condom and honestly didn't know the rules of disclosure.  He is guilty of being dumb, but it would be nice to have some balanced and fair news.  I'd like to hear the other side.  

So has Black Friday become a bigger holiday than Thanksgiving?  I am sitting here at work and all people are talking about is sales and stuff.  Let's not forget about THANKSgiving.  Give thanks. Be thankful.  You know it's that day before you all go out and act like maniacs in the wee hours of the morning.  It's a celebration of thanks.  Eat some turkey and dressing and forget about all those sales.  There are some things more important in life than a few sales.  Here are a few things I am thankful for... my family.  If you know me, you are aware we are a tight nit group and no matter what stupid things I do, they always have my back even if all I do is tease Laura and Sarah hates my facial hair.  My dad is as cool as they come and my mother is as nice.  I'd like to think I am a reflection of both of them in the way I live.  Without my mother helping me through some of the roughest times of my life, I would've given up and I wouldn't be typing this blog for you today. 

 I am also thankful for my friends.  Nicolette, April, Stuart, Mindy, Brittney, Jill, Mallory, Robert and so many more... without you all I wouldn't have experienced some of the best times of my life.  I have spotlighted April and Mindy in previous blogs, so now it is Nicolette's turn.  I will get to all of you eventually.  I mean writing 5 days a week is going to give me plenty of time to give shout outs to all of my friends.  She has helped me through a lot this weekend during a rough patch I had.  She drops everything just to make me feel better.  Our friendship began in a strange way, but once we realized what the relationship was, it all made sense.  She takes care of me and I take care of her.  I look over her and protect her as she does me.  She has the same sense of humor as me and she can make me laugh as much as I make her and it's hard for me to admit that because I believe myself to be the funniest person alive.  The first time we hung out, I said if I could make her laugh, she'd have to hang out again and of course I took care of that in the first five minutes.  For some reason she said she wanted an eye patch and I being blonder than Sarah in this moment said, "What's that some sort of new Apple product?"  I heard it as IPatch.  But thanks Nicolette for being there for me.  I know you have my back in any situation and no matter if everyone turns on me you will still be in your corner, and I will be in yours wiping off the blood and sweat with my trainer's robe on.  

I must also say I am thankful for my health.  Yeah I complain a lot about being diabetic and all that jazz, but there are much worse problems.  Andre Davis and his alleged victims have HIV.  I can't imagine what they go through.  And cancer.  Gosh cancer.  I have seen it take way too many lives and Satan must be present on this earth some days with what I've seen people go through. I lost my grandmother to cancer after she had beaten 3 different types before.  I lost my uncle to cancer, and it broke my heart to see my cousins at the funeral.  My prayers go out to anyone that has bad health.  No one has done anything bad enough to deserve the torment that these people go through.


Winner of the Day: A 9-year old North Carolina girl.  After being in a car crash that killed her father, this girl survived on Gatorade and Pop Tarts for two days.... Read the Story Here.


Loser of the Day: This mother (Kimberly Woods) who prepared coke and heroin in front of her kids.  She obviously prepared a lot of double cheeseburgers as well. Read Here.

Quote of the Day: "Before someone's tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today." -Michelle C. Ustaszeski


Song of the Day: Soul Tattoo by Plus One

Stupid human trick of the Day: Snake through the ol' nose.

More Jerry Sandusky bashing, life could end at any moment, spreading HIV, and a Latin King

The world in which we live is not so bad. I have been whiney in the past few blogs but there is no reason to be upset.  My issues are so minor in the scheme of things.  I look at those kids involved in the Sandusky case, and I sympathize with them because they will never have their innocence.  Their lives will be affected forever.  And now Sandusky said in an NBC interview with Bob Costas that he is innocent of all charges which is sickening.  If Sandusky had any integrity left at all he would apologize to these kids and admit guilt.  He admitted to horsing around with them which is an absolute joke.  There are accounts of oral sex, Jerry, seen on multiple occasions.  I hope he goes to one of the biggest gang affiliated prisons and the guards let it slip on what he's in for to these thugs and even if he is in an isolated unit, I want it to happen like the scene in American History X where the guard leaves the shower room for a small period of time, and this group of guys can rape him to a pulp and beat him to near death.  Then I picture blood mixed with water from his lip and cheek going down the drain as he struggles to move and he begins to drown in an inch of water.  That's just what I'm hoping.  Chances are he will never receive a punishment to fit a crime so heinous as this.  

    
Life is so short.  You never know when your last breath could be.  I had a friend lose a friend to suicide yesterday and it hit hard because I was in a silly little argument with a different friend of this friend, and it became so pointless after hearing this friend's news.  There are more important things in life than staying mad at someone.  Stay polite, even to your enemies.  There is good in everyone (except Sandusky and people like him) and sometimes people bury it to act hard or to fit in, but search for it inside your enemies because the reason you are enemies can't be as serious as life and death in most circumstances.  A lot of people argue for something and it ruins their friendship and 6 months later someone asks about it and they can't even remember what the fight was over.  Just apologize and get over it.  Don't talk behind people's backs either.  Please. Say only things you'd say to the person if they were present.  Be good to everyone and try your best not to leave mad, because what if that is the last time you see them?  No closure.


I promise I will get back to more light and funny stuff tomorrow.


Winner of the Day: Anyone who said 'no' to having sex with Andre "Gangsta of Love" Davis.  Yes that's his real nickname.  I don't think it is the NFL wide receiver or linebacker, Andre Davis.  The reason you win if you didn't have sex with the Gangsta of Love is because he has HIV and failed to disclose it to at least 12 women.  Gosh he is a gangster of love isn't he?  Wilt Chamberlain isn't impressed but that's just the 12 that came forward.  This charge could send him to prison for over 100 years.  Let's face it, the dude has HIV.  He won't last that long in jail.  If anyone has the ability to live that long, I don't think it's someone with HIV. The Story.

Loser of the Day: A head shop.  Some girl's boyfriend and an old owner of the store drugged this girl with fake marijuana and bath salts.  They then hid her in a laundry basket inside a closet.  She was hidden for over 12 hours until a customer saw her. The Story.
Here's Douglas Goins, the victim's boyfriend who is charged with this crime...

Quote of the Day: "You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough."-The Bellevue High School class of 2003 quote


Song of the Day: Last Kiss by Pearl Jam

Latin Kings mugshot of the day: Jeremiah Farmer. The Latin Kings are one of the most notorious gangs in America.  I'd like to see Sandusky attempt to fondle this dude.  He's too skinny to probably do anything, but it's a matter of his affiliations.

Do The Right Thing.

To my readers,

Due to a rough weekend, my mind is not concentrated on a blog, and the Bengals lost to the Steelers too, which doesn't help.  All I have to say is I'm glad I do the right thing.  With all of this Penn State stuff in the news now, ethics and morals have been hot topics.  I want you to know on this earth I live my life in a way that if I were to drop dead right now, I'd be content with the way I lived.  I am loyal.  If I ever tell someone I have their back, I always will.  Whether you are right or wrong.  I may tell you that you are wrong and put in my 2¢ (Thank you anonymous 0162) but even if you are involved in something I don't agree with I will still support you.  I put everything I have into my friendships.  Those of you who are close to me know this.  When you become my friend, it is my responsibility to defend you when you aren't around, and sometimes this may get me into trouble with people who flex their muscles and threaten me, but you know, it takes a real man to forgive.  Life is too short to be angry at someone for something like this.  I have to do what is right.  It's how I was raised.  There is so much wrong with this world.  So much gossip, so much of people saying things behind other people's backs.  Not too many are straight forward anymore.  If I were to die today, I'd go to the grave knowing I can live with myself for being the best person I could possibly be.  Sure living this way, sometimes people will get hurt.  I never want enemies, but sometimes it is necessary for the betterment of an innocent friend.  I will not back down.  I have made mistakes in the past, but I will not regret.  I will learn from them and move on.  I feel sorry for no one, nor will I regret anything I've done.  I will always be willing to forgive, as long as you are willing to forgive me if I shall be wrong.  One's character is all one has.  Please don't sell out.  Please do the right thing.  It isn't that hard.  And it's easier to sleep at night.  Follow morals and do what is ethically right.  Be responsible.  We can't all be Peter Parker, but we can all be good.  Be a good friend.  Don't be bullied.  Have a heart.  And call a friend if you are in a bind.  Be that friend when someone calls you.  Make this world a better place.

                                                                              Sincerely,

                                                                                             David Brooks

 

Quote of the Day: "Your best friend is the person who is sitting next to you right now." -Dave Brooks Sr.

Song of the Day: The Way it Is by Bruce Hornsby

Relationship Advice Column Edition 7: Letting Go, and 3 Stages in 3 years

Today, I will write about letting go. How long must it take to get over your ex?  Well Charlotte from Sex and the City addresses this in the Take me out to the Ballgame episode...She says, "It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them."  

This is fairly true.  I mean if you went out with someone a month, it is supposed to take two weeks to get over it according to this theory or if you date a year, I guess you are supposed to take a whole six months to get over someone.  Charlotte's quote is something I've preached to many girls over the years as they came to me with advice on feelings they still have for their exes.  Of course, there are exceptions.  If you are in a relationships where you don't have feelings for the other person, or you are with them just because you feel sorry for them (which you should never do so please don't stay with someone just because you feel sorry for them.  Someone very close to me had a relationship that lasted at least 6 months longer than it should have because she felt sorry for him when he fed her a sob story every night), it will take less time to get over the person.  In long term relationships like 20 year marriages that end in divorce is also an exception.  Never should you sit around for 10 long years getting over the guy.  First of all you are older and deserve to find love so get to it.  I'm not saying the day you become free go to a bar and pick up a dude, it will still take time, but not 10 years worth of time.  


My longest relationship was a little over three years.  I always say the first year is the PUPPY LOVE STAGE and there will be small arguments maybe but nothing truly disastrous unless someone turns out to be someone they aren't or cheats then the puppy love stage can end quickly along with the relationship.  The second year, you really get to know the person, the KEEPIN IT REAL STAGE. The little things will begin to irritate you and even just the person's voice is intolerable or other nit picky things like that. This stage is tough to get through.  If you've done it, congratulations.  It's like the terrible 2's.  The third year is called the CAN WE REALLY DO THIS STAGE.  A lot of couples will find themselves going through the motions of a relationship in this stage.  They will go out to dinner with no magic, and the dude will invite the girl to a movie and she'll be like "ehh."  This is the time when you have to make a decision is this something you want to pursue.  Arguments may get stronger especially if the person isn't for you.  If you are just going through the motions in this stage, the relationship should end now.  There comes a time when you have to cut the string when you don't see a future.  It's not fair to you or the other party involved to drag the relationship on.  It's always best to end a relationship sooner rather than later when you know it's not right because you are lying to yourself and the other person if you stay with them and it just gets harder as time goes on.


Anyway, my longest relationship was a little over three years, and I literally was devastated the first year.  I was in love.  She was in love.  We mutually ended the thing, but I think it hit both of us pretty hard.  It's okay if you are in something serious for a while to take your time to get over the person.  It's almost not even fair to jump into a relationship with someone else if your heart if even .000009% is stuck on you ex.  If they are cool with it, they have to understand there will be relapses of moments where you miss the ex or whatever because as Charlotte said, it takes half the time.  It should never take over half.  If that's the case you still love the ex, good or bad.  It depends on the situation on whether I'd advise to go back on it. Let go within half the time.  Give yourself a limit.  Don't live the rest of your life watching Beaches (although it is a good movie) with tissues and Ben and Jerry's.  Life's too short for that.  Get out there and live.  No guy/girl is worth moping over for good.  Not one.  Not even me. Well, maybe me.


Song of the Day: Puppy Love

Quote of the Day: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."-unknown

Penn State did the Right Thing

Quote of the Day: ‎"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."-Mark Twain


Today I was going to write about the use of "we" when referring to sports teams you root for and I may still write about it tomorrow, but I have to lead with yet again, the Penn State University scandal. Penn State's trustees fired the president of the university and the head football coach Joe Paterno, last night.  It had to happen though.  Yesterday, Paterno said he'd step down at the end of the season, but if Penn State hadn't gotten rid of him now, then it would be hard to say the college is handling this the right way.  Joe Paterno is a legend at Penn State.  He's coached for more than 60 years.  All of that means nothing in the whole scheme of life, you know.  He wasn't buying students strippers, boats, and cars like in Miami.  He wasn't housing a football star like at USC.  He wasn't turning a blind eye to trading jerseys for tattoos like at Ohio State.  Those were huge stories in the college sports world, but this crosses over.  This isn't a sports story.  It is a story of life.  Joe Paterno had to go.  The president had to go.  Everyone involved has to go.  You are talking about at least 9 kids that were alleged  (you know what I'm not even going to use the term alleged in this instance) taken advantage of and their childhood and lives were ruined.  These are someone's children.  You let this guy rape children on your watch in your buildings.  It is not right.  This is the worst story in sports history.  I don't know how you let this happen.  Don't blame it on your surperior..."Uhh I passed it on. Not my problem anymore." Joe. There is something called morals.  Do what is morally right.  I couldn't just sit there and turn a blind eye to this.  I'd struggle with it every day until I did something.  He only cared about football, and you know what, that is unacceptable.  They needed heads to roll and Joe branded himself as Penn State so he has to take responsibility for something so cruel.  I don't understand why people rioted.  The NCAA was talking about giving Miami the 'death penalty' for what happened down there.  I think Penn State should be punished worse than that.  I don't think they should be allowed a football team period after what happened.  Kind of like how we don't allow Germany or Japan to have a military.  What parent is going to want to sent their son to play for that school anyway?  And with the alleged word, this thing has been going on for 10 years and the guy definitely did it.  If you've read my blogs before I've mentioned that I believe strongly in innocent before proven guilty and if there is reasonable doubt at all you should be acquitted (Casey Anthony and Ryan Widmer both are guilty in my opinion but should have been acquitted because there is reasonable doubt).  This is different.  This is a series of crimes that could have been stopped.  I am ashamed to have ever rooted for Paterno, especially within the 10 years he knew about this stuff and let this guy bring kids around the program.  It's sickening.  I lost all respect for the man.  I have read the book, Something for Joey which shoes coach Paterno in a very bright light so I've always liked him and respected him as a coach. Through it all, don't forget about the victims here.  It s easy to forget about them and none of this will give them back their innocence no matter how many people get fired from Penn State.  Poor kids. Poor poor kids.


Grand Jury Presentment. Careful reading this; the details are gross.

Paterno stunned by firing in Penn State scandal AP article


Joe Paterno, Graham Spanier removed, ESPN article by Joe Schad


Penn State had to get rid of Joe Paterno ESPN article by Jemele Hill